Exhaustion is a lot like pot, but it's cheaper

My life is rapidly becoming a study in how tumblr, fandom, and a writing obsession can utterly destroy a person.

And I have to say, it's not like I'm not totally enjoying it. This is awesome. This is what I love about not being in school and just having a job - I write, I ride my horse, I go out with friends, and I have disposable income. It's the best thing ever.

It makes me wonder what I'm cut out for, as a person. There is a part of me that thinks (fears) I will never be truly happy unless I am a writer. Full-time, no other jobs. But then there is another part of me, constantly at war with that part, that feels like I need something else to do in society because otherwise I feel like a lazy artist. And I hate them. Yet I am one. That's practically zen.

Terry Pratchett quotes aside, I do really feel like I need to embrace this writing thing. It's been going on since I was like, four. I need to think of myself more as a writer, less as a hobbyist. Take pride in my craft. This is what I do, this is what I love to do, this is what I want to do as well as I can fucking do it. The nursing, the other jobs, those are all means to an end. Right now, I can't write and feed myself. Right now, I have to have another job. Right now, I need to define myself as something I'm not, because I can't afford to define myself by who I am.

I need to sell that book. I need to work harder. I need to produce more. I need to hone my craft. I need to be able to define myself as a writer. Not a nurse with a writing problem, not a wannabe. Because I will never feel as comfortable being a nurse as I do when I'm writing.

We work to make ends meet so we can do what we love: that's something my mom always told me when I was younger. And it's true. But eventually, I hope, I can make ends meet doing what I love. Very few people can.

But God I really want to be one of the lucky ones.