Oscars 2011

So I watched the Oscars. But I was drinking heavily and I had a ladyfriend over so I didn't start my commentary until 9:30. Oh well, you all can deal, verdad?

- So I think we're in Best Supporting Actor category, which is always fun. I have only seen The Town (which was fucking ridiculously amazing) and The King's Speech (which was super fucking ridiculously amazing and fabulous and should win everything ever) so I don't think I'm a fair judge but . . . GODDAMMIT CHRISTIAN BALE ARE YOU SERIOUS? Ooooh he can lose a lot of weight in a month and look like a crazy person, yeah, he's totally qualified to beat Geoffrey Rush. Seriously, Christian, what the hell are you doing there? I could be a great actor too, apparently, if I committed myself to a diet of an apple and a can of tuna each day and got angry and yelled at camera men and played Batman passably well with a weird gravelly voice. Not that I am bitter but GEOFFREY RUSH SHOULD HAVE WON FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

And damned if this isn't the longest most rambling Oscar speech I've ever had the misfortune of listening to. Hot damn.

- You guys want to see an Oscar-winning movie in the making? Feast your goddamn eyes:

Oh my God how excited are you?

- Wait who is this guy? What vows has he renewed? Oh, the Academy and some TV network. Yeah, don't care.

- Anne Hathaway your outfits are out of control.

- Hugh Jackman is actually not that good looking with a shirt on. Just saying.

- The talkies! Good times. Music was the best thing to ever happen to movies. DOLBY DIGITAL. JOHN WILLIAMS STARRRR WARRRRSSSSSSS. Best soundtrack ever, don't even try to deny it. ET. Damn this is a John Williams mashup or some shit. PLAY JURASSIC PARK! Weakkkkk that was a movie classic. Holy fucking shit it's a dinosaurrrr Jesus Chriiiiiist what the fuuuuuuuccckkkkk . . .

- So of the best original score movies I've seen How to Train Your Dragon (mediocre) and The King's Speech (WHAT DID I SAY ALREADY). I haven't seen Inception but the soundtrack sounded pretty great. Ah, but of course The Social Network won because it's about Facebook.  Yes, Trent, I can't believe it's really happening either - I so disagree with the Oscars this year. Or maybe I don't disagree more this year than I did last year and the fog of alcohol and nostalgia has cobwebbed it over. Who really cares?

- Scarlett and Matthew are too pretty. Like creepily pretty. Lol are you serious SALT got nominated for something? Can we say pity nomination? Please let True Grit win, just so it wins something, that movie was awesome. Oh, well, Inception, I can deal with that. I really should probably see that movie.

- Sound editing? Jesus they have a category for everything. I have to say, I haven't seen TRON but I would not be upset if it won. Ugh that clip of Unstoppable with the horse and the trailer - scares me to no end. Lola would never run out of the way, and she'd die. That saddens me deeply. Ah, Inception wins again! I think they're going to reward that movie highly this year; Hollywood tends to like weird movies about the power of thinking about yourself, since that's all they ever do.

- Yay an award for scientists and engineers! They are a genial, nerdy-looking bunch. Shut up, pretty boy, at least their jobs will not fade away with their looks. They're like fine wines, dammit.

- LoTR music and crap? Weird. Makeup awards, what will they think of next? The movies were all very impressive, I'm sure but that Wolfman had some crazy freaking makeup.

- Costume design! Alice in Wonderland had some crazy costumes and while the King's Speech was a gorgeous, well-done movie, True Grit and Alice had more in-depth costumes. And, yes, Alice walks away with the Oscar. What can I say? It was a very strange movie but the costumes were fairly incredible. Seems like this costume designer is kind of awesome at her job, too lol.

- Who is this guy singing? Obvi not George Clooney. LOL Randy Newman.

Gonna take a bite . . . Nope, nope, she's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouseeee . . .

- Oh, Jake Gyllenhall. Remember when you were popular? I do. It was called Spider Man. Spider Man one, not two or god help us three. Now let's see, shorts. I think the one about Islam will win just because it's controversial and if there is one thing Hollywood loves it is the be rebellious children to spite their dead parents. Ah, now, Strangers No More, wonder what that was about? Too bad I seriously do not care.

- Live-action short films hm. I have not seen a one of these. Where do people see these? Must be like, in New York or something. Something cultured. God of Love won, which is cool I guess. There's a Tom Baker-looking bastard in that, so I can't help but approve I guess. He's adorable for his speech, I am in love. Did he just thank the great state of Delaware? I mean, great, I guess, but what's great about it?

- AHAHAHA HARRY POTTER AUTOTUNE. Please put Antoine Dodson in there. He's climbin in your windows, he's snatchin yo people up . . . Ah, no Antoine. Sad day.

- Anne and your outfits. And omg Oprah, all the unemployed housewives just shit their pants. I do not get Oprah, I am sorry, I really don't. She will probably kill me for that, but I just don't think she's that great. And of course she's presenting for documentaries, big shock. I'm gonna be upfront: I did not watch any documentaries this year aside from 'High Hitler', which was released straight to the History Channel. That guy was high as shit 24/7, did you know that?

- Yes, use your Oscars acceptance speech to rally for your cause, whatever, your opinion doesn't matter, you made a movie, good job, I could do that with 6 months and a video camera.

- Billy Crystal, you are silly. Some commemorations, whatever.

- ROBERT DOWNEY JR. AND JUDE LAW LOOKING SEXY AS HELL TOGETHER. Tonight is A Good Night. Let's make fun of RDJ's criminal record ahaha. At least he can laugh about it. Which almost makes me want to have sex with him more. Now I never saw Hereafter but honestly HP should win imho because there is a movie that will be hugely successful and never be recognized. But obvi Inception wins. I have a feeling that movie is going to be this year's Titanic - Oh Leonardo, you know how to pick winners.

- Editing hm? Nothing would make me happier than to see Black Swan win absolutely nothing. Nothing would also make me happier than to see The Social Network stop winning things. It wasn't that good, Hollywood, deal with it. We know you love the Facebooks, we all do, but hot damn.

- And some people sing. I don't get the attraction of Florence and the Machine. Now we have some songs! I don't know any of these but omg Randy Newman and Toy Story yay!

- And I took my dog for a walk and made it back just in time to see Best Picture or whatever. YAY THE KING'S SPEECH SHIT WAS SO TIGHT. Oh, it's best director. Listen, I love True Grit but The King's Speech was awesomeeee. And I do love my British men. And bromances. So British bromance? Pretty fucking sweet.

- Jeff Bridges talks to corporate LIKE A BOSS. APPROVES MEMOS LIKE A BOSS. PROMOTES SYNERGYYYYYY. 

- Best actresssssss. Natty Light is going to take it home . . . and by that I mean Natalie Portman. OH YES WHO CALLED THAT SHIT? Not that it's surprising, let yourself be a lesbian on screen and then get knocked up by a man and the Academy will eat out of your . . . hand. Your hand, you sick, twisted perverts. I WAS GOING TO SAY HAND ALL ALONG.

- Shut up Natalie, I'm bored.

- Hark, a Vagrant!

- Silly Anne, you messed up. It's your pleather dress. Wait, shit, that other woman won something once? Miss Congeniality? She was in other movies?

- Okay best actor. Javier might win because he is sultry and the Academy historically loves movies in other languages that THE COMMON MAN wouldn't understand. Jeff will not win because he won last year and True Grit, while fabulous, was a remake and not the best performance in the category. Not that it wasn't freaking awesome as all get out but unfortunately. Unfortunately. Jesse better not win because I am developing a passionate hatred for Facebook and The Social Network and his smug little expression (or lack thereof). COLIN FIRTH YESSSS WIN IT SON. He better win because that movie was goddamn amazing. Of course they use the clip of him weeping like a bitch, not one of the better bromantic scenes. I'M NOT A KING *puts on his Emo CD mix feat. lots of Simple Plan*. And James Franco . . . I am indifferent to you. I did not see your movie, I never care to, I think it's pretty transient. But, uh, solid work?

- Oscar goes to . . . FAHJKGHFSKGHFSJKHGFKS YES. THIS IS EVERYTHING I HOPE THE GRAMMY'S WOULD BE EXCEPT FOR FRIGGIN GEOFFREY RUSH'S OSCAR SNUB. Nooo Colin your career isn't peaking . . . Well, maybe it is, but what a way to go out, huh? DANCE WITH ME COLIN, DANCE THE DANCE OF LIFE!

- THERE'S JURASSIC PARK THANK GOD! I knew it was Spielberg's favorite. Stephen gets more attractive the skinnier he gets . . . my creepy obsession with skinny old white-haired men is out of control. I like how all the clips from the other movies are overlaid BY AUDIO FROM THE KING'S SPEECH. Nothing admits the superiority of a movie quite like that. I want to sleep with that movie. And make stammering British babies who will go on to have their own bromances with skinny old Australians.

- Okay so recap the nominees and let's just get down to brass tacks here Stephen . . . wait, how did Toy Story 3 get in there? THE KING'S SPEECH YESSSS SHOW THEM HOW IT IS DONE YOU DON'T NEED 3D, YOU DON'T NEED A DRAMATIC ROMANCE, YOU DON'T NEED CGI OUT THE WAZOO. YOU NEED COMPELLING CHARACTERS AND REALISTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND A STRUGGLE AND THE OVERCOMING OF THE STRUGGLE. THAT IS A STORY. That is the basest of all we want to see, as humans. We all struggle every day and at the end of the day that movie could have been about a king, it could have been about a mechanic, it could have been about a lawyer; it wouldn't have mattered, we would have loved it all the same, because it shows us that no matter who we are, what our struggle might be, we can overcome, and every single one of us can be great.

Aaaaand there's the Oscar recap. Hope you enjoyed! I am going to sleep this wine off and flee before the freaking children from Staten Island (God I hate New York) start singing.

Excerptopia

So who wants an excerpt of the monstrosity I am working on? You know you do. No context, no rules, all real. Kind of like my Friday nights. And by that I mean, lots of weeping and chocolate ice cream. On Friday nights, that is, not in this excerpt. I'll stop talking now:

“Miss Lucas?” Bea blinked and looked up sharply. Her professor was looking at her expectantly, dry-erase pen poised to write on the board. “If you could answer, please.”

“Uh,” she stammered, mentally scrambling to recall what the man had been talking about.

“It’s intellectual property law,” came a bored voice from behind her. Bea waited for the professor to praise the answerer and scold her for her inattention, but when he simply continued to look at her expectantly she repeated the answer.

“Yes, right.” The professor scrawled ‘intellectual property’ on the board. “Now, intellectual property covers abstract ideas – music, art, ideas in and of themselves – but it can also be used to protect trade secrets, which in the restaurant industry . . .” Bea made a note, relieved to be out from under the professor’s focus, and swiveled around in her seat to try to discern who had answered the question. The ghost in the coveralls, his feet up on the desk, waved cheerfully while the girl next to him assumed Bea was looking at her and glared at her from behind her purple compact. Bea hastily turned back around and paid attention to the remainder of the lecture as best she could.

After the class had drawn to a close, she made a show of highlighting portions of her notes and organizing her bag until the remainder of the class and the professor himself had trickled out. Only then did she turn to the ghost. “Thanks,” she said. “I, uh, I wasn’t paying attention.”

The man nodded and shrugged. “It happens. This guy gives the same lecture every year and he always calls on whoever is in that seat.” He motioned to where Bea was sitting. “Thought for fun this year I might try and spook out whoever was there, just to see what happened.”

“Ah. Sorry.”

“No trouble. There’s always next year.” He twiddled his thumbs. “You a witch?”

“Not . . . exactly.”

He smirked, the expression twisting its way across his weathered features. “Aha. You’re a bit mixed up, aren’t you?” He swung his boots down to the floor and disintegrated again before reappearing right next to her. He motioned to himself. “This all new to you?”

“How’d you do that?”

“It’s a ghost thing, going to mist. Easy as you please.” He snapped his fingers, silently, and vanished again. Seconds later, Bea realized the chair felt distinctly cold, and a little damp. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up and she leapt to her feet. The man smirked at her from the chair. “I have to say, very nice,” he said, staring off into some middle distance, replacing his Brooklyn accent for a mock British one. “Good show, dear.”

Bea glared and snatched her bag from the desk, storming out of the room. “Creeper,” she called over her shoulder.

“Come on, it’s been fifteen years!” He paused. “And four months!”

Physics accidents and sexual harassment ghosts. You know you can't wait.

The Grammy Awards or whatever

So I didn't get the idea to live-cover the Grammy's until 30 minutes in and the wine kicked in, so it's not exactly a live-cover. A mostly live cover.

Recap:

Everything about Gaga was ridiculous, including her performance. And Bruno Mars made me want to date him, which is quite the feat. Normally I hate sappy male pop stars.

Live: 

- Ah here we have the Beebs and the younger Smith, rapping. Nice leopard pants, young Smith. Please whip your hair back and forth. His parents are digging it, and the routine is very typical of two pre-pubescent teenage boys. Ninjas.

- Usher this better be better than the Superbowl. Oh, nope, it's not. And your pube beard is freaking me the hell out. Usher is sort of like Michael Jackson - he's not that great at singing, very topical and poppy, but he can dance. Not quite like MJ though. Ooooh ooooh oh oh oh my God.

- Usher and the Beebs! Can this be? Move it Beebs. He's quite the dancer himself. I might regret it a little bit when he inevitably enters a heroin-fueled downward spiral in his soul-crippling grief following the burning descent of his childhood fame.

- Hooray that Muse walked away with Best Rock Album or whatever that award was! The state of rock these days is really kind of depressing, so I'm quite glad that a band I actually like won the award.

- Best Pop Vocal Album - if the Beebs wins I will raaaage. I want Katy Perry to win just for her G-ma. Ah, nope, it was Gaga. Not a surprise, it was a great album. Her outfit is grotesque though, omg. Bet she has her speech taped onto the back of her glasses. PLAY HER OFF, PIANO CAT. No one cares if you like Whitney Houston better than you like yourself.

- The Beebs looks confused as to what a hairpiece is.

- Shut up Brendan Fraser look-alike. Let Bob Dylan sing. No one cares about you. Your keyboardist is full of the lulz though - PLAY THAT KEYBOARD. And no, Brendan 2.0, you don't have other friends to fill your time. She was your only friend. You stopped being popular after 'The Mummy'.

- The theme this year is beards, shouting and ironically out-of-date clothing. Apparently.

- Ah, finally, Bob Dylan. If it weren't for him I'd never watch this shit. He sounds like death but who the fuck cares, it's goddamn Bob Dylan. His song's still better than all the other 4 minutes of crap we slogged through to get to him. He does sound alarmingly like a Disney villain though. And his harmonica playing was . . . underwhelming. BUT I LOVE THE LEGENDS, SHUT UP.

- Oh goddammit Lea Michele and Clay Matthews. It's like everything in the world I hate. 'Grammy wimmers' haha don't think I didn't catch that you horrible bitch. Oh and Lady Antebellum, this is like a festival of things I hate, all gathered together. Oh and let's cap it off with Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon. I thought those bastards were Irish.

- One day I would like a country music singer to NOT thank God. Thank Cthulu or something original. God/Jesus is so predictable.

- Cee Lo Greeeeen. 'Forget' is totally not the best word in that song but I think we all know what the actual words are. WTF PUPPETS. WTF ARE YOU WEARING CEE LO. Liberacce looks fucking tame in comparison but omg this is awesome. Who convinced him he should dress up like a giant turkey/peacock? Sing it Gwyneth hell yes this is awesome. Best act of the Grammy's? Yes. Done and done.

- Ah NPH. I didn't realize he'd be putting in an appearance. Remember when he pretended to be straight? And he's introducing Katy Perry, very nice. Now wtf is she singing. And why is she on a swing? I too am exhausted (read: drunk), aroused and more than a little confused. And nope, she's still not a very good singer without her autotune.

- Is John Mayer trying to look like Johnny Depp on purpose or is he just forgoing personal hygiene for another reason? And why do you think Norah Jones elected on the lime-helmet-cat haircut?

Norah Jones at the Grammy's

- Song of the year is GODDAMN NEED YOU NOW FUUUUUUUUU NOW I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS. EFF.

- Seth Rogan is a boss. Billy Ray may kill him later.

- Damn Rhianna, making up for wearing nothing but pipe cleaners on the red carpet, apparently. That is altogether too much dress. And your vocals are . . . unimpressive. Eminem better be incredible.

- Oh, yes. Incredible and angry. Ahahaha censorship is out of control. Seriously though, he is the one rapper I would go to see live.

- You need Doctor who? AHAHAHAHA.

- Eminem just said 'fuck' on live TV. The FCC just shit their pants and 4000 angry Christian parents just opened up MS Word to write angry letters to CBS, regardless of the fact that their school-age children should have had their butts in bed an hour ago. And regardless, they shouldn't be watching the Grammy's.

- The Doctor regenerated he is now Dr. Dre. I love my jokes. You know you love them too. Damn this is racy for CBS on a Sunday night. I expect the foul language will dominate the news for the next few days, Egyptian revolution be damned.

- Having never heard of Florence and the Machine or Mumford and Sons, I have to say I'm at least intrigued. Moreso than I am by Esperanza, who won the whole new artist category business. She bores me. Glad she beat the Beebs, though. Bubblegum isn't going to win you awards, kiddo.

- Oh God Mick. You can have me any time you want. Everybodyyy wants somebodyyyyy - everybody needs somebody to love. I need you, you, you Mick Jagger. I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME! MEEE! You need me, me, me. That was freaking awesome. OH AND WE'RE BRINGING IT BACK.

- I feel like following Mick Jagger with Barbara Streisand violates some portion of the Geneva convention. Her dress looks like a purple blancmange. Which is an oxymoron but shut up. In fact, it was so awful that I muted it and watched the Monty Python 'Science Fiction sketch'. 

Oh Jesus, it's a blancmange!

- I feel like presenting a category is sort of a consolation prize for not being nominated. But seriously, who expected to beat Eminem? Is Diddy drunk or wtf is going on here?

- Okay I have had enough Rhianna. And Drake is not anything that I am impressed by. In fact this whole performance is pretty underwhelming. Rhianna's wonderwoman metal chastity underpants are probably a good idea though, considering Chris Brown was actually allowed to attend the Grammy's this year. 

- Finally, record of the year. It should probably be Eminem. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS GODDAMN SONG ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME I WILL FUCKING KILL A BABY WITH MY FIST.  Go to hell, Lady Antebellum, go to hell.

- Now apparently this Arcade Fire is supposed to be pretty good. We shall see. They are bright and reminiscent of the 80s, that is for sure. And I can't make out any vocals besides all the moaning/screaming. But bikes are cool, I guess? Alright, the jury has returned from their deliberations: this band is epically horrible. On an incredible scale.

- Oh God there's one more category. I can't take it anymore. And if fucking Lady Antebellum wins I am going to pitch a royal fit. Return of the royal blancmange and her hobbling manservant to present the honors and it goes too . . .

Well, at least it wasn't Lady Antebellum.

Timeliness

As predicted, I am not a frequent updater. I struggle with this a lot. Why should I post, I ask myself, if I don't have anything clever or observant to say? Well, I should probably post because it's something I told myself I would do. Even if I don't have anything funny to say.

Life hasn't been unfunny, though, but it's not been particularly funny either. I've been riding Lola and writing a little. Classes for spring started and that is going to be the very definition of living hell, let me tell you. There's so much work to be done and not a lot of time to do it in - if I can make it through this semester, I feel like being a nurse is going to be easy peasy.

Well, okay, probably not, because it will be very different to being a student, but still. It's a thought that sustains me.

The conundrum I find myself in is a scholarship-related one. The hospital my school is most closely associated with offers some coveted scholarships, which cover tuition, books, all kinds of awesome stuff. The catch is that you have a 1-year commitment to that hospital after you graduate. The catch is, I hate Delaware. It's cold and miserable in the winter and hot and humid in the summer. It's polluted. It's ruled by one family in an almost monarchic fashion. It's too small.

I want to move south.

I also want a scholarship.

Decisions, decisions.

Respite

It's important for caretakers, guys, truth. I learned that in my nursing class.

So we have a break for a weekend in between the January semester and the normal spring semester, and I am sort of in love with this. I have grand plans to mis-spend my weekend by writing, perhaps, or playing video games, or, as I've done today, going to the barn, cranking out the fanfiction (don't judge me, I've made my peace with my life and it's none of your business, anyway), cleaning up my apartment and watching Top Gear. In about 40 minutes I'm planning on trying to accomplish chili. In any case, I'm relaxed, there's a fire in the fireplace, it's cold and damp and altogether Scottish outside, and I couldn't be happier. If I can't live in Scotland I might as well pretend I do when the weather is cooperative.

In any case, I'm a little discouraged with how my writing's going, anyway. I was re-reading my fanfiction the other day, some really old and dreadful stuff, and it's funny. Like, haha, laugh at it funny. And the story I'm writing now isn't funny, and it's supposed to be, and that bothers me. Normally I'm funny, it's kind of what I do. But for some reason the story is continuing apace and yet it's not funny.

I'm troubled.

I keep telling myself that I'll go back during editing and stuff some funny bits in. But I'm worried that I won't be able to, I won't be able to think of anything funny, and the whole thing will be kind of draggy and stupid. My villain is funny, all the bits with him in are funny, but my main characters aren't. I kind of want to hit them with a pie, maybe that would loosen them up a little bit.

. . . This isn't a bad idea, in retrospect. I mean, one of them is a chef. Surely pies are not far beyond.

On fairness.

The trouble with practical evaluations is an old one: they aren't fair. When you get down to it, in a practical evaluation someone is standing there, deciding based on their knowledge (hopefully) or opinion (more likely) how well you can perform a task.

The trouble with nursing school is that practical evaluation does make up a great deal of the assessments.

This post isn't written out of bitterness or anger: I have always done well in my evaluations, and I've never felt slighted. I can see where I have received gifts, here and there, but none have been so significant as to pass me when I otherwise would have failed. It's just an observation. I do know friends in my program that have been slighted, and it rubs me the wrong way. The program has the intention of making competent, successful nurses, not of deciding at the outset who will be a good nurse and who will not and then letting the "keepers" fly by while those that may seem less likely candidates get grilled within an inch of their lives. And this is not a plea to let the weaker struggle through; I'm a great believer in natural selection, and survival of the fittest. It applies educationally, too, but the important bit is that in order to determine who really is the weakest the conditions have to be fair and even across the board. Either grill everyone within an inch of their lives, or find a happy medium and make it consistent.

Of course, this being a problem that has haunted education for years, I hardly think one little blog post will make a large difference. But it's nice to write down my thoughts on the matter anyhow.

I haven't done a lot of writing since Monday - school's kept me busy. I do plan on typing a little bit tonight, even just 500 words, because at least I'm 500 words ahead of where I was. And there is something truly therapeutic about sitting down and telling a little more of that story. I love the characters, I love their personalities, and I love what they can do. They're strong but they have their weaknesses. They're deliciously human.

I'm working on a post where I discuss the nature of villains, and why I can't write true villains. They're never evil, not truly evil. The short version is because all of my villains (for the most part) are humans, and the thing about humans is that there's always the potential for true, soulful redemption. And I do love a happy ending. And humans.

Of course, I might torture a character for 5 books before he gets that happy ending, but what the hell. I never said I was nice to my villains. Just that I liked them. There's a difference.

If you love them, steal their soul and make them fight to get it back, that's what I've always said. And by always I mean that's the philosophy I am sticking by for this series.