The Grammy Awards or whatever

So I didn't get the idea to live-cover the Grammy's until 30 minutes in and the wine kicked in, so it's not exactly a live-cover. A mostly live cover.

Recap:

Everything about Gaga was ridiculous, including her performance. And Bruno Mars made me want to date him, which is quite the feat. Normally I hate sappy male pop stars.

Live: 

- Ah here we have the Beebs and the younger Smith, rapping. Nice leopard pants, young Smith. Please whip your hair back and forth. His parents are digging it, and the routine is very typical of two pre-pubescent teenage boys. Ninjas.

- Usher this better be better than the Superbowl. Oh, nope, it's not. And your pube beard is freaking me the hell out. Usher is sort of like Michael Jackson - he's not that great at singing, very topical and poppy, but he can dance. Not quite like MJ though. Ooooh ooooh oh oh oh my God.

- Usher and the Beebs! Can this be? Move it Beebs. He's quite the dancer himself. I might regret it a little bit when he inevitably enters a heroin-fueled downward spiral in his soul-crippling grief following the burning descent of his childhood fame.

- Hooray that Muse walked away with Best Rock Album or whatever that award was! The state of rock these days is really kind of depressing, so I'm quite glad that a band I actually like won the award.

- Best Pop Vocal Album - if the Beebs wins I will raaaage. I want Katy Perry to win just for her G-ma. Ah, nope, it was Gaga. Not a surprise, it was a great album. Her outfit is grotesque though, omg. Bet she has her speech taped onto the back of her glasses. PLAY HER OFF, PIANO CAT. No one cares if you like Whitney Houston better than you like yourself.

- The Beebs looks confused as to what a hairpiece is.

- Shut up Brendan Fraser look-alike. Let Bob Dylan sing. No one cares about you. Your keyboardist is full of the lulz though - PLAY THAT KEYBOARD. And no, Brendan 2.0, you don't have other friends to fill your time. She was your only friend. You stopped being popular after 'The Mummy'.

- The theme this year is beards, shouting and ironically out-of-date clothing. Apparently.

- Ah, finally, Bob Dylan. If it weren't for him I'd never watch this shit. He sounds like death but who the fuck cares, it's goddamn Bob Dylan. His song's still better than all the other 4 minutes of crap we slogged through to get to him. He does sound alarmingly like a Disney villain though. And his harmonica playing was . . . underwhelming. BUT I LOVE THE LEGENDS, SHUT UP.

- Oh goddammit Lea Michele and Clay Matthews. It's like everything in the world I hate. 'Grammy wimmers' haha don't think I didn't catch that you horrible bitch. Oh and Lady Antebellum, this is like a festival of things I hate, all gathered together. Oh and let's cap it off with Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon. I thought those bastards were Irish.

- One day I would like a country music singer to NOT thank God. Thank Cthulu or something original. God/Jesus is so predictable.

- Cee Lo Greeeeen. 'Forget' is totally not the best word in that song but I think we all know what the actual words are. WTF PUPPETS. WTF ARE YOU WEARING CEE LO. Liberacce looks fucking tame in comparison but omg this is awesome. Who convinced him he should dress up like a giant turkey/peacock? Sing it Gwyneth hell yes this is awesome. Best act of the Grammy's? Yes. Done and done.

- Ah NPH. I didn't realize he'd be putting in an appearance. Remember when he pretended to be straight? And he's introducing Katy Perry, very nice. Now wtf is she singing. And why is she on a swing? I too am exhausted (read: drunk), aroused and more than a little confused. And nope, she's still not a very good singer without her autotune.

- Is John Mayer trying to look like Johnny Depp on purpose or is he just forgoing personal hygiene for another reason? And why do you think Norah Jones elected on the lime-helmet-cat haircut?

Norah Jones at the Grammy's

- Song of the year is GODDAMN NEED YOU NOW FUUUUUUUUU NOW I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS. EFF.

- Seth Rogan is a boss. Billy Ray may kill him later.

- Damn Rhianna, making up for wearing nothing but pipe cleaners on the red carpet, apparently. That is altogether too much dress. And your vocals are . . . unimpressive. Eminem better be incredible.

- Oh, yes. Incredible and angry. Ahahaha censorship is out of control. Seriously though, he is the one rapper I would go to see live.

- You need Doctor who? AHAHAHAHA.

- Eminem just said 'fuck' on live TV. The FCC just shit their pants and 4000 angry Christian parents just opened up MS Word to write angry letters to CBS, regardless of the fact that their school-age children should have had their butts in bed an hour ago. And regardless, they shouldn't be watching the Grammy's.

- The Doctor regenerated he is now Dr. Dre. I love my jokes. You know you love them too. Damn this is racy for CBS on a Sunday night. I expect the foul language will dominate the news for the next few days, Egyptian revolution be damned.

- Having never heard of Florence and the Machine or Mumford and Sons, I have to say I'm at least intrigued. Moreso than I am by Esperanza, who won the whole new artist category business. She bores me. Glad she beat the Beebs, though. Bubblegum isn't going to win you awards, kiddo.

- Oh God Mick. You can have me any time you want. Everybodyyy wants somebodyyyyy - everybody needs somebody to love. I need you, you, you Mick Jagger. I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME! MEEE! You need me, me, me. That was freaking awesome. OH AND WE'RE BRINGING IT BACK.

- I feel like following Mick Jagger with Barbara Streisand violates some portion of the Geneva convention. Her dress looks like a purple blancmange. Which is an oxymoron but shut up. In fact, it was so awful that I muted it and watched the Monty Python 'Science Fiction sketch'. 

Oh Jesus, it's a blancmange!

- I feel like presenting a category is sort of a consolation prize for not being nominated. But seriously, who expected to beat Eminem? Is Diddy drunk or wtf is going on here?

- Okay I have had enough Rhianna. And Drake is not anything that I am impressed by. In fact this whole performance is pretty underwhelming. Rhianna's wonderwoman metal chastity underpants are probably a good idea though, considering Chris Brown was actually allowed to attend the Grammy's this year. 

- Finally, record of the year. It should probably be Eminem. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS GODDAMN SONG ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME I WILL FUCKING KILL A BABY WITH MY FIST.  Go to hell, Lady Antebellum, go to hell.

- Now apparently this Arcade Fire is supposed to be pretty good. We shall see. They are bright and reminiscent of the 80s, that is for sure. And I can't make out any vocals besides all the moaning/screaming. But bikes are cool, I guess? Alright, the jury has returned from their deliberations: this band is epically horrible. On an incredible scale.

- Oh God there's one more category. I can't take it anymore. And if fucking Lady Antebellum wins I am going to pitch a royal fit. Return of the royal blancmange and her hobbling manservant to present the honors and it goes too . . .

Well, at least it wasn't Lady Antebellum.