- So I think we're in Best Supporting Actor category, which is always fun. I have only seen The Town (which was fucking ridiculously amazing) and The King's Speech (which was super fucking ridiculously amazing and fabulous and should win everything ever) so I don't think I'm a fair judge but . . . GODDAMMIT CHRISTIAN BALE ARE YOU SERIOUS? Ooooh he can lose a lot of weight in a month and look like a crazy person, yeah, he's totally qualified to beat Geoffrey Rush. Seriously, Christian, what the hell are you doing there? I could be a great actor too, apparently, if I committed myself to a diet of an apple and a can of tuna each day and got angry and yelled at camera men and played Batman passably well with a weird gravelly voice. Not that I am bitter but GEOFFREY RUSH SHOULD HAVE WON FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-
And damned if this isn't the longest most rambling Oscar speech I've ever had the misfortune of listening to. Hot damn.
- You guys want to see an Oscar-winning movie in the making? Feast your goddamn eyes:
Oh my God how excited are you?
- Wait who is this guy? What vows has he renewed? Oh, the Academy and some TV network. Yeah, don't care.
- Anne Hathaway your outfits are out of control.
- Hugh Jackman is actually not that good looking with a shirt on. Just saying.
- The talkies! Good times. Music was the best thing to ever happen to movies. DOLBY DIGITAL. JOHN WILLIAMS STARRRR WARRRRSSSSSSS. Best soundtrack ever, don't even try to deny it. ET. Damn this is a John Williams mashup or some shit. PLAY JURASSIC PARK! Weakkkkk that was a movie classic. Holy fucking shit it's a dinosaurrrr Jesus Chriiiiiist what the fuuuuuuuccckkkkk . . .
- So of the best original score movies I've seen How to Train Your Dragon (mediocre) and The King's Speech (WHAT DID I SAY ALREADY). I haven't seen Inception but the soundtrack sounded pretty great. Ah, but of course The Social Network won because it's about Facebook. Yes, Trent, I can't believe it's really happening either - I so disagree with the Oscars this year. Or maybe I don't disagree more this year than I did last year and the fog of alcohol and nostalgia has cobwebbed it over. Who really cares?
- Scarlett and Matthew are too pretty. Like creepily pretty. Lol are you serious SALT got nominated for something? Can we say pity nomination? Please let True Grit win, just so it wins something, that movie was awesome. Oh, well, Inception, I can deal with that. I really should probably see that movie.
- Sound editing? Jesus they have a category for everything. I have to say, I haven't seen TRON but I would not be upset if it won. Ugh that clip of Unstoppable with the horse and the trailer - scares me to no end. Lola would never run out of the way, and she'd die. That saddens me deeply. Ah, Inception wins again! I think they're going to reward that movie highly this year; Hollywood tends to like weird movies about the power of thinking about yourself, since that's all they ever do.
- Yay an award for scientists and engineers! They are a genial, nerdy-looking bunch. Shut up, pretty boy, at least their jobs will not fade away with their looks. They're like fine wines, dammit.
- LoTR music and crap? Weird. Makeup awards, what will they think of next? The movies were all very impressive, I'm sure but that Wolfman had some crazy freaking makeup.
- Costume design! Alice in Wonderland had some crazy costumes and while the King's Speech was a gorgeous, well-done movie, True Grit and Alice had more in-depth costumes. And, yes, Alice walks away with the Oscar. What can I say? It was a very strange movie but the costumes were fairly incredible. Seems like this costume designer is kind of awesome at her job, too lol.
- Who is this guy singing? Obvi not George Clooney. LOL Randy Newman.
Gonna take a bite . . . Nope, nope, she's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouseeee . . .
- Oh, Jake Gyllenhall. Remember when you were popular? I do. It was called Spider Man. Spider Man one, not two or god help us three. Now let's see, shorts. I think the one about Islam will win just because it's controversial and if there is one thing Hollywood loves it is the be rebellious children to spite their dead parents. Ah, now, Strangers No More, wonder what that was about? Too bad I seriously do not care.
- Live-action short films hm. I have not seen a one of these. Where do people see these? Must be like, in New York or something. Something cultured. God of Love won, which is cool I guess. There's a Tom Baker-looking bastard in that, so I can't help but approve I guess. He's adorable for his speech, I am in love. Did he just thank the great state of Delaware? I mean, great, I guess, but what's great about it?
- AHAHAHA HARRY POTTER AUTOTUNE. Please put Antoine Dodson in there. He's climbin in your windows, he's snatchin yo people up . . . Ah, no Antoine. Sad day.
- Anne and your outfits. And omg Oprah, all the unemployed housewives just shit their pants. I do not get Oprah, I am sorry, I really don't. She will probably kill me for that, but I just don't think she's that great. And of course she's presenting for documentaries, big shock. I'm gonna be upfront: I did not watch any documentaries this year aside from 'High Hitler', which was released straight to the History Channel. That guy was high as shit 24/7, did you know that?
- Yes, use your Oscars acceptance speech to rally for your cause, whatever, your opinion doesn't matter, you made a movie, good job, I could do that with 6 months and a video camera.
- Billy Crystal, you are silly. Some commemorations, whatever.
- ROBERT DOWNEY JR. AND JUDE LAW LOOKING SEXY AS HELL TOGETHER. Tonight is A Good Night. Let's make fun of RDJ's criminal record ahaha. At least he can laugh about it. Which almost makes me want to have sex with him more. Now I never saw Hereafter but honestly HP should win imho because there is a movie that will be hugely successful and never be recognized. But obvi Inception wins. I have a feeling that movie is going to be this year's Titanic - Oh Leonardo, you know how to pick winners.
- Editing hm? Nothing would make me happier than to see Black Swan win absolutely nothing. Nothing would also make me happier than to see The Social Network stop winning things. It wasn't that good, Hollywood, deal with it. We know you love the Facebooks, we all do, but hot damn.
- And some people sing. I don't get the attraction of Florence and the Machine. Now we have some songs! I don't know any of these but omg Randy Newman and Toy Story yay!
- And I took my dog for a walk and made it back just in time to see Best Picture or whatever. YAY THE KING'S SPEECH SHIT WAS SO TIGHT. Oh, it's best director. Listen, I love True Grit but The King's Speech was awesomeeee. And I do love my British men. And bromances. So British bromance? Pretty fucking sweet.
- Jeff Bridges talks to corporate LIKE A BOSS. APPROVES MEMOS LIKE A BOSS. PROMOTES SYNERGYYYYYY.
- Best actresssssss. Natty Light is going to take it home . . . and by that I mean Natalie Portman. OH YES WHO CALLED THAT SHIT? Not that it's surprising, let yourself be a lesbian on screen and then get knocked up by a man and the Academy will eat out of your . . . hand. Your hand, you sick, twisted perverts. I WAS GOING TO SAY HAND ALL ALONG.
- Shut up Natalie, I'm bored.
- Silly Anne, you messed up. It's your pleather dress. Wait, shit, that other woman won something once? Miss Congeniality? She was in other movies?
- Okay best actor. Javier might win because he is sultry and the Academy historically loves movies in other languages that THE COMMON MAN wouldn't understand. Jeff will not win because he won last year and True Grit, while fabulous, was a remake and not the best performance in the category. Not that it wasn't freaking awesome as all get out but unfortunately. Unfortunately. Jesse better not win because I am developing a passionate hatred for Facebook and The Social Network and his smug little expression (or lack thereof). COLIN FIRTH YESSSS WIN IT SON. He better win because that movie was goddamn amazing. Of course they use the clip of him weeping like a bitch, not one of the better bromantic scenes. I'M NOT A KING *puts on his Emo CD mix feat. lots of Simple Plan*. And James Franco . . . I am indifferent to you. I did not see your movie, I never care to, I think it's pretty transient. But, uh, solid work?
- Oscar goes to . . . FAHJKGHFSKGHFSJKHGFKS YES. THIS IS EVERYTHING I HOPE THE GRAMMY'S WOULD BE EXCEPT FOR FRIGGIN GEOFFREY RUSH'S OSCAR SNUB. Nooo Colin your career isn't peaking . . . Well, maybe it is, but what a way to go out, huh? DANCE WITH ME COLIN, DANCE THE DANCE OF LIFE!
- THERE'S JURASSIC PARK THANK GOD! I knew it was Spielberg's favorite. Stephen gets more attractive the skinnier he gets . . . my creepy obsession with skinny old white-haired men is out of control. I like how all the clips from the other movies are overlaid BY AUDIO FROM THE KING'S SPEECH. Nothing admits the superiority of a movie quite like that. I want to sleep with that movie. And make stammering British babies who will go on to have their own bromances with skinny old Australians.
- Okay so recap the nominees and let's just get down to brass tacks here Stephen . . . wait, how did Toy Story 3 get in there? THE KING'S SPEECH YESSSS SHOW THEM HOW IT IS DONE YOU DON'T NEED 3D, YOU DON'T NEED A DRAMATIC ROMANCE, YOU DON'T NEED CGI OUT THE WAZOO. YOU NEED COMPELLING CHARACTERS AND REALISTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND A STRUGGLE AND THE OVERCOMING OF THE STRUGGLE. THAT IS A STORY. That is the basest of all we want to see, as humans. We all struggle every day and at the end of the day that movie could have been about a king, it could have been about a mechanic, it could have been about a lawyer; it wouldn't have mattered, we would have loved it all the same, because it shows us that no matter who we are, what our struggle might be, we can overcome, and every single one of us can be great.
Aaaaand there's the Oscar recap. Hope you enjoyed! I am going to sleep this wine off and flee before the freaking children from Staten Island (God I hate New York) start singing.
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