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“Hey, check this out – it says the Rapture’s supposed to happen today at six.” Tib sat back from the screen of the elderly Gateway laptop and crossed his arms across his chest. “Huh. I feel like I missed out on all the good panicking.”
Bea snorted. “I am highly doubtful. Highly.” She shoved a forkful of noodles into her mouth. “I can’t believe you’re just hearing about that, by the way.”
“How else would I have heard?”
“I dunno. I guess you don’t have the internet unless I’m around, though, true. Celmer didn’t say anything?”
“You think I’m uninformed about current events?” As one, they looked out the window to Tib’s mentor. The wizard was presently trying to rasp the hooves on one of the unicorns, with a limited amount of success, but with plenty of swearing. “The only thing he ever keeps up with is sports.”
“True. Anyway, he’d probably ignore it even if he did hear about it.”
The zombie looked thoughtful before setting the computer aside and leaning out the window. “So what’s up with the Rapture?” he called.
Celmer didn’t pause. “A little busy at the moment.”
“Laizaus didn’t say anything to you?”
“You can either come out here and help me or leave me the hell alone, Tiberius, but either way you’re going to shut up about the damn Rapture.” The unicorn jerked its leg away. “You’re an abomination unto the Lord anyway, what do you care?”
“Passive interest.” He turned back to Bea and smirked.
“So he did know about it.” She checked her watch. “It’s due any minute now, huh? Maybe I should go outside.”
“Please, you have as much chance of being Raptured as I do,” he scoffed.
“Moi? I’m insulted. As if anything I’ve done comes close to flaunting mortality.”
Tib pointed an accusatory finger at her. “Ha! Delusional. You and your boyfriend – who you’re not married to, by the way – sin every chance you get.”
She made a face. “Creepy, Tib. Creepy.”
“But accurate. Besides –” but besides what, she never found out. A shout from the back garden was cause enough to get both of them to bolt out the door and onto the deck, where they promptly froze.
Celmer was – apparently unwillingly – floating upwards, enveloped in shining white light, gold streaming to the ground from the corona. “Jesus Christ,” Bea breathed. “For real.”
“You have been called to the service of the Lord,” a voice boomed through the trees. “O, holy and pure of heart.” But just then, the white light shifted from its upward trajectory and deposited the wizard in the branches of a tree. “Nah, totally, kidding, you should have seen your faces though.” Bea and Tib turned to the right, where Laizaus, functional alcoholic and Angel of the Lord, was leaning against the house.
“What the hell?” Celmer yelled from the tree, while Bea and Tib dissolved from awe-struck terror into laughter. “This isn’t funny, Laizaus!”
“Au contraire, this is fairly fucking hilarious.” He laughed and pointed. “You, really? Holy and pure of heart? I’ll Fall before that shit happens.”
“Yeah, well, at the rate you’re going I’m due for holiness in a fortnight. Let me down, you bastard.”
“You’re a wizard, you figure it out.” He smiled glassily. “Jesus helps those who help themselves.”
“Jesus isn’t here and he sure as hell didn’t put me in a tree.”
Tib propped himself up on the railing of the deck, where he’d been incapacitated with laughter. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the real deal? When’s that scheduled?”
Laizaus shrugged, wings rustling. “No idea. Not today, that’s for damn sure. Psht, please.” He uncapped a flask and took a swig. “Heaven rarely has a clue what they’re doing a week in advance – you think someone had the forethought to pass on some convoluted mathematical code while Moses was writing?”
Bea wiped the tears from her eyes. “So half a shekel doesn’t buy you atonement?”
“No, but if you want to give me fifty bucks we can test that theory again.” There was a sucking noise, followed by a louder pop and a gust of air as Celmer appeared next to Laizaus, expression less than thrilled. “Oh, hey, I knew you could do it. I believed.”
“You are without a doubt the worst angel in the world.”
“No, I just have a sense of humor. There’s a difference.” He offered the flask. “Need a drink? Tastes like Kool-Aid.” Celmer’s expression shifted from angry to stunned. “What? Too soon?”
“Worst angel,” he concluded, refusing the flask. “Not so much thirsty anymore, thanks.”
“Maybe a little too soon,” Bea added. “I’ll explain it to you later,” she added for Tib’s benefit. The zombie shrugged – oblivious confusion was more or less a consistent state for him, ever since he’d come back from the dead last year.
“So anyway, since the Rapture was predicted for tonight, I assume everyone’s calendar is clear?” Laizaus punched Celmer in the shoulder. “Not like you ever have anything to do anyway, hermit. Your apprentice is getting bored – there’ll be lurching and brain eating if you’re not careful.” Tib rolled his eyes.
“Don’t touch me.” Celmer glared. “You have something in mind?”
“I have four tickets to a Braves game, is what I have.” He pulled the tickets out of his jacket and brandished them. “Bought them off a guy at McDonald’s. Said he wouldn’t be needing them since God was going to be calling him tonight.”
Celmer grabbed a ticket. “I hope he gave you a discount.”
Laizaus inhaled thoughtfully. “We-ell, he was going to just give them to me, but I insisted on paying full price for them, even though he didn’t think he’d have a need for money. What? I couldn’t take them for free – not when I knew it was all horse shit. He’s glad he took the cash now, probably.” He looked smug. “You’re just mad because now you can’t call me the worst angel ever.”
“No, I think you’re stupid, is what I’m thinking.” He looked to the other two, annoyed but nevertheless entertained. “You coming?”
Tib shrugged. “Why not?”
“Well since my plans of being vacuumed up into the sky fell through, I guess I’ll go.” Bea sighed the sigh of the much put-upon. “A beer and a hamburger will have to be consolation enough.”
Laizaus winched the wings in and shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been to Heaven and honestly, the beer and the hamburger sound pretty good to me.”
EL FIN
See you all on Sunday lol.
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