Ashley's Fun List Time Presents: REASONS TO NOT GET A DOG

Let me preface this post by saying there are few things in my life that I love more than my dog. He is my very best buddy, and I would not trade him or give him up for a great majority of the tea in China. That said, getting a dog is not a decision that should ever be taken lightly, and indeed had I truly realized the impact dog ownership I would have thought about it for at least 2.68 seconds longer. I have compiled here the top 5 reasons to think long and hard about getting a dog, and why you should probably just avoid it altogether unless you have some serious mental deficiencies.

TOP 5 REASONS TO NOT GET A DOG

This face is not a reason to avoid getting a dog. Don't let that adorable expression fool you.

1. I'm going to get this out of the way right out of the gate: You will become obsessed (and I'm not joking, it will seriously become an intrusive thought) with your dog's bowel habits. My parents have long been well in-tune with their dog's bathroom schedule, and I used to make fun of them. But now I have a dog and, despite my best efforts, I myself have started mentally logging my dog's constitutionals. Last night I was frantically walking RD at one in the morning because he'd only pooped once in the morning. "He must need to go!" I told myself, bordering on frantic. "Please, he has to go! POOP, DAMMIT."

2. Hair. Shedding. It will happen, I don't care if you have a Chinese Crested. Dogs shed. Maybe you'll get lucky and get one of the dogs that doesn't shed a lot. But it will still shed. If you're unlucky, you'll get a dog that sheds roughly the equivalent of two or three smaller dogs' worth of hair each day. I have one right now. As I type, I am picking hair off my laptop screen so as to better see what I'm typing. You can brush, you can furminate, you can do everything short of shaving them, but there will be hair. Trust me.

3. You schedule will be totally destroyed. Thinking of going out with friends after work? Haha! You're funny. No, unless you want to come home to urine on your carpet and a depressed, shameful animal, you must forego drinks, at least temporarily until you have a chance to let your dog out. Want to go on a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip? Hope you have dog-loving friends that aren't going! Or a handy kennel on speed dial. Seriously, your schedule is straight borked the minute you welcome your furry friend into your life. It's like having a baby without the glimmers of hopeful expectations of being able to live vicariously through them later on.

4. Your furniture is no longer your own. Picture this: you come home from a long day of work, walk the dog, mark its bowel movement's shape, color and total weight by volume, take the dog back inside, change into your comfy clothes, wash your face and have glorious plans of laying on the couch and watching TV until your brain slides out of your ears like undercooked oatmeal. But wait! No, the dog is on the couch. No. Nooooo. Because you could make the dog move, yes, easily, but are you going to? When those big sad eyes meet yours and the dog pleads for a little attention, and a little relaxation? Suddenly the fact that you have spent a whole day working hard while the dog laid at home sleeping and licking itself is forgotten, and you have laid down on the floor. The dog has won.

5. Parts of your house will be destroyed. Yes, yes, your little poopsie-kins is well-mannered and sweet, sure. That's what we call denial. I love RD and that little fucker destroyed two of my doors. My parents love their dog an unreasonable amount and she's peed on their dining room carpet so many times it's a wonder the thing's not stained yellow. Look around your house. Dog damage is everywhere, but you are blind to it. But one day prospective buyers will visit, and tour, and think "my God, these people live with a ravenous pack of wolves." And you will see through their eyes and think, "Oh God, how did this happen?" Your answer, my friend, is snoozing on the couch. Shedding.